They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
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You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”