Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
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Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
cyclists
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*