coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
You Might Also Like
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
any last words?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
sir, my pâté if you please