Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
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If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.