They are only bad decisions if you get caught
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A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’