They are only bad decisions if you get caught
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Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself