They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
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Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume