@pixelatedboat: "They call me Mr Six Hours," I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
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@numbertze: When playing tug of war with a 2yo, it's best to remember they're pulling really really hard and holy shit they travel fast when you let go
@KentWGraham: Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
@RegularFred: I was banned from guitar class because of an inappropriate reaction to "let's practice your fingering technique"
@weinerdog4life: One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled "YOURE WASTING SHIRTS" at the TV