“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
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I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Do not steal food from the science building!
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.