@meganamram: They call me the Titanic because I once went down on a bunch of Irish peasants
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@JohnHilsen: Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
@jonnysun: [trying to do standup] u kno whats funy– [someone yells 'society!'] nno– [entire audience starts laughig] wait [audience laughs louder] stop
@roostermustache: Me:*runs into woods* ahh I'm gonna get killed by the clowns Clown: nah we just want to scare people Me: oh. can u make an exception for me