@meganamram: They call me the Titanic because I once went down on a bunch of Irish peasants
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@Underchilde: Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
@DepecheALAmode: Moths are really just butterflies on meth, all angry and shit while head-butting light bulbs and biting holes in your favorite shirt.
@joshesjames: Tomorrow is Jesus' birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
@iwearaonesie: "UNLESS WE'RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE'S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!" - me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum