They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
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[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
All. The. Damn. Time.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I’d hang this in my house.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story