me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
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{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Spring of Deception
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.