they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
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I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?