They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
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Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.