Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
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The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen