They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
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Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Can. I. Help. You.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?