They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
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I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Are you a cat person or a person person?
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Meanwhile in Portland…