They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
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Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE