I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
You Might Also Like
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Running from your problems is cardio .
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things