@Underchilde: They don’t make microwaves the size of refrigerators because they know if you were high you’d try nuking your friends.
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@novicefather: This guy just climbed through a thicket of waist-high shrubbery to avoid walking past me. That's the kind of anti-social I aspire to be.
@iamspacegirl: [mouse plane] mouse pilot: hello folks, this is your captain squeaking- *mouse passengers squeal with delight*
@fabulouscop: *man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school* *teacher walks towards man* "are you expecting a child?" "no thats from all the beer"
@mattselman: If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.