@Underchilde: They don’t make microwaves the size of refrigerators because they know if you were high you’d try nuking your friends.
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@Xoolun: I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit. And all I did was sign up.
@krisv_723: Him: I just got stung. I'm allergic. Grab me my EpiPen. Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
@dankmtl: Confession: I'm a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
@spikeWilton67: Relationship Status: Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board. I can't even get lucky in the spirit world.