Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
You Might Also Like
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy