They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
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[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
This is my favorite one of these!
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death