They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
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Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!