They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
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[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
lol
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.