@WilliamAder: They found Richard III's skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
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@juliussharpe: How about instead of shaking hands we nod at each other and that way we both won't have to wash our hands?
@mynameisntdave: POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the "shapeshifter" look like? [the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture] ME: ...I dont remember
@SaraMansford: Netflix: Want to keep watching? Me: Do we really need to do this? Netflix: It's just, it's been 75 hours and I can hear your kids crying.