They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
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This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.