They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
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i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
bro what is going on at twitter
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
me after eating Cheetos
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*