@davetureq: They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
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@PorkUrPine: WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can't you do that ME: I'd love to but I don't know her well enough
@Jaywoo74: Wife: Are you coming or not? Me: Is there gonna be alcohol? Wife: It's your grandmother's funeral! M:... Wife: NO! Me: Then I'm not coming.
@DanMentos: "Hello, 911” Hi it's Mickey my dog is hurt bad “Is it Goofy or Pluto?” I don’t see how- “Goofy or Pluto?” Pluto “Call a vet” *hangs up*