They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
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Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
i did the math
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!