They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
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luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP: