They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
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I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.