They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
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My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
The internet is full of many things
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Usage Guidelines
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi