They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
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Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.