@rikpayne: They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
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@KevinFarzad: I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I'm fit but really it's just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
@dreamthievin: Give me a break, ouija board. I don't need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
@mrjohndarby: [1st ever peacock to open up his tail] hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but i. feel. fantastic.
@johnbcrist: I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I've never been more angry.