They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
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The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
wow
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.