Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
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Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.