It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
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My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Perfect
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Any time a child tries to guess my age.