Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
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This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
me when i see my girls butt
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I’m not stressed
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.