her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
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If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now