They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
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A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
You can’t rush stupid.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me