They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
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Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Don’t make me out nice you.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now