@Brianhopecomedy: They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
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@Sarcasticsapien: If life were a romantic comedy I would be the guy on a date with the girl when the male lead makes his grand gesture that wins her back.
@novicefather: Past employers have described me as "selfish, egotistic, condescending, the physical manifestation of capitalism, and a true sweetheart."
@jonnysun: "evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window" - me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
@stockejock: When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it's never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.