They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
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Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
This is me
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.