They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
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Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
*puts words between two asterisks*
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Saturday
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Teach your children to beatbox
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-