Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
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Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
That was easy.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.