@therealeatwood: They needed three Back to the Future movies so they could cover life’s three great concerns: one’s birth, one’s future legacy, and cowboy
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@thepunningman: Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can't live on salad, Eleanor
@DecantAndPour: I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits. The other 7 glasses are just for me.
@Bez: When someone texts "whatcha doin" after midnight the appropriate response is "someone else" even if you're just eatin' pizza all alone.