@therealeatwood: They needed three Back to the Future movies so they could cover life’s three great concerns: one’s birth, one’s future legacy, and cowboy
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@whereami18: A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
@realHamOnWry: My inner child just threatened to call Social Services if I don't eat ice cream for supper tonight.
@laurajennyjo: I'm not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I'm just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid
@TheGladStork: "Hey kids, you like candy?" I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.