They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
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If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Genius idea!!
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls