They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
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Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!