They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
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Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”