They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
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When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
there’s probably a fee though
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
My work here is done
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.