You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
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Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.