They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
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When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?