They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
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[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.