What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
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I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.