They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
You Might Also Like
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.