They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
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I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played