They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
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The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.