They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
You Might Also Like
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.