@BrainFumbles: They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn't land on her feet and now I'm in jail for murder.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@adult_mom: [me as an uber driver] yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
@Reverend_Scott: NEWS ANCHOR: Here's Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report. GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk] I quit. Back to you, John.
@KenJennings: The thing about liking Kanye is that no matter how into him you are, you're AT BEST his #2 fan.
@GingerHotDish: Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all. 16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.